2018-You think you know but you have no idea

I realize that what the title of this post implies that I am hiding things. Well, I guess I could say that it’s true. However, this year, I came out. I came out few times. The title of this, is something I have said to people when they have inquired about personal aspects of my life. The reference to the tag line of VH1’s Behind the Music was a common response to some personal questions people would ask me.

This year has really tested my strength, one of the traits I am often known for. I’ll spare you all the details because it’s just kind of sad and I really don’t want to give any energy to the people and things that had any part in my challenges this year. They dont deserve the spoken words that roll through my mind.

Looking back at my life, there have been times that have should have been worse. So I keep thinking, I’ll get through all of this. I have done this so many times that frankly, I should be used to this.  Maybe my old age is getting to me. Maybe this is pre-menopause. Shit, maybe this IS menopause. Maybe my life as I know it is over.

What I do keep thinking about is how all these struggles in my life have made me a better person, a better writer, and a better mother. There have been times that even though I was dealing with so much, I was still able to drop everything and help someone else. So my soul is not completely lost.

I’ve been more transparent this year than any other year of my life, and I have no interest or desire to cover myself up again. It’s been freeing. I always felt like I was hiding so much of who I was from others.  I hated that feeling.

I didn’t want to believe certain things about friends and family, because I always chose to see the good in them. But I realized that some people are not good for me. Not because they’re bad people, but simply because they don’t help me see the good in myself.

I’m honestly done pleasing others. It’s not and never has been my responsibility.I just took shit on as my responsibility because it made me feel like I was doing something of value. But I really wasn’t. I did more harm to myself and to others by keeping people in their comfort. I don’t want to spend time with people who become uncomfortable around me. I want to be around people who raise me up and who allow me to be me.

I learned this year that I need to stop trying too hard, in every area of my life. I’m learning to be myself without giving a shit about what people think. I mean I’ve been this way but I’m finally reaching a whole new level of not giving a shit. Not because I don’t value other people’s opinions, but simply that I’m beginning to value my own so much more.

I’m learning to say NO when I clearly feel it’s a no. I’m learning to say YES to what I truly want and to stay away from things I dont.

I let go of years of anger and resentment from never being fully accepted by the people who I love, simply because I am different. I am weird and I love being weird. I don’t have to have everyone’s validation. I am perfectly fine with the person that I am.

I learned that the shitty things that happened to me are actually things I needed to happen. So I can’t be upset about them. I am annoyed at times but who I would be if that hadn’t happened?

I have made some of the greatest new friends this year. Many are friendships of a lifetime. These people truly made me think there are really great people in the world. I’m very lucky to know so many.

I’m grateful for all the new things happening to me now and I am just as grateful for everything that has left.

I am thrilled that I inspired a few people. But most of all I am thankful that I inspired myself. To be more open, to be honest about it all and realize that other people are just as messed up as I am.

When I began writing this, I couldn’t fathom finding much good in my year. But, obviously, there’s plenty. I am ending the year with a bang. I couldn’t be happier with how 2018 is looking.