Hey, guys. I am a complete failure for not posting on here in a while. It’s been one of those years that completely kept me on my toes.
Every year I post some positive thing about how awesome my year was. But I decided this year to me a little more transparent.
A couple of days ago someone asked me if I ever cry. I said yes. of course, I cry and honestly I do quite often. I then proceeded to explain a story of how I start bawling my eyes out when the clock turns midnight on New Years Eve. It’s not that anything is even wrong at the time. But I always feel a “HOLY SHIT” moment. I have a flashback of everything that went on in the year and I wonder how in the hell I made it through that all. This year was no exception. It’s ending at an odd point in my life that I am at a crossroads, both personally and professionally.
Right now, I am in a huge transition. I am no longer in my management role and I am back to working the mean real estate streets. (umm hello, call me if you need to buy or sell). I never planned to do this again. It’s exciting and scary. It’s been a little weird for me.
After my stint at Results ended, I decided not to jump into another role like that for the time being. I’d rather be somewhere small and growing slowly. Which is why I ended up at BRIX. They are a cool group of complete misfits that surprisingly work well together. There’s a lot of energy there and I’m digging it. I am still trying to get to know them and I can admit it’s been awkward for me at times. But I look forward to getting to know them more and to not feel like the new kid.
Professional life aside, I have been doing a lot of self-evaluation. While my life is good in general, I guess you could say that I am turning a corner in life. I had only a fuzzy notion of what my life would be like. No matter how much planning I did, it was still fuzzy — there have been too many variables I couldn’t predict. I am out of my element. As I begin to transition, almost every week I have had to rethink my plans — long-term planning feels impossible because I am constantly learning new things that would corrupt my old plans. I have to live one day at a time through much of it. But slowly, I am getting my bearings and can see the road ahead of me a little more clearly.
I have some pretty big goals in 2017. But most of them have nothing to do with my career. I was called out recently by a friend because I don’t really let people in to see the real me. Opening myself up, trusting someone, admitting my needs, and making myself vulnerable are hard things to do. For me, it’s been a lifelong project. And it’s definitely harder for me than most.
I am always been taken back by when people say that I am a strong woman. Yes, I have dealt with a lot of shit and somehow survived. But that doesn’t take away what these things do to me. To be honest, I often live in a state of denial. I feel sometimes like I have to portray this image that I am rock solid. It’s exhausting. I live in this world that I try to protect my privacy and it sometimes causes me to ignore issues around me. People often wonder what I am really about because I spend so much time trying to play the powerful, supermom, career oriented superhero. A lot of this is simply habits formed throughout my life. I will say that I am more aware of this than I have ever been.
I have realized that I don’t actually have to pour out my deepest darkest secrets to absolutely everyone I meet in order to be open. I don’t always need to be fully transparent with what’s going on in my head with just anyone. These are for making myself open to the right people in my life. I have let the wrong ones in and have seen the damage of that, and sometimes I let myself go through absolute torture by remaining completely open with people who live out destructive lifestyles. But at the same time, there are so many great people who deserve to see me. The real me.
Tomorrow I leave for an exciting trip to Chile. I’ll be spending time with a very special person in my life. I realize for many of you, you had no idea that I have been dating someone. But I have tried to keep this area of my life relatively private. I will say its serious and he’s the first person to have involvement with my kids. It’s not without its issues and I have probably tried to push him away about a thousand times. But he’s still here and I love him. I hope, while on our journey and extended period of being alone together, that I will be able to open up more to him as well.
In previous years I have ended this post with some goals. My goal this year is to open up. I mean, at this point in my life, what could be so bad? I have had friends my entire life and through everything, they are still around. They have seen it all and it didn’t scare them. So why would most others be any different? I can’t imagine the weight off my shoulders by doing this. I’m letting go of the past and learning to own my strength in order to be vulnerable in life is the greatest thing I can do for myself. Not being who you are on the inside is very lonely. Ironically the loneliness is the same loneliness that most everyone else suffers from. I’m ready to let the walls come down and share the gift of me with everyone.
CHEERS to 2017!