I met my good pal and the greatest attorney ever Jeff O’Brien. The place was awesome. It took over the former Spill The Wine space. Great food…really good beer…great company.
So I’ve made a decision over the last month or so…life is too short. I’ve spent the last couple of years working myself to death. Not even sure why now. It seemed as if I was just trying to replace something that was missing.
So I decided it’s time to have more fun and have more experiences. I’ve also decided to write about them in true Hick City Chick fashion.
So keep an eye out for some interesting and fun posts coming from me!
It’s no lie that I have had to deal with a lot of pain in my life. There have been many times where I have wondered why any of it has happened to me.
What’s great about the pain is that it caused me to take a deep look at the world around me. I have seen through observation what power people have over others. It’s not all horrible. It’s actually amazing what a little gesture can do for someone.
What’s difficult is how so many people live behind whatever persona they have created for themselves. They spend so much time trying to maintain this that they completely forget what’s most important. What really sad about this is that most of these people are dealing with so much themselves and not even addressing their issues.
I spent a lot of time in my younger days trying to live a lifestyle. I worked two jobs through high school and college trying to create this. Then when I was 19, my apartment burned down and I lost everything. I didn’t even have things like underwear or socks. It was an eye opener because even though I didn’t have these things, I was still able to live.
But still I got sucked back into living a lifestyle. I lived this way for many years. It wasn’t until I was heartbroken and the life I always knew was gone, that I fully snapped out of it. I was broke, I didn’t have my kids with me every day and I felt completely alone and helpless. I feared so much what people would think of me, the judgements they would have and I had every insecurity that I could possibly have. I didn’t feel good about myself.
But what’s crazy is this. People still loved and cared about me. The most random people came out of the woodwork to just say hello and see how I was doing. I didn’t understand why anyone would do anything for me. I felt like a loser.
However the love continued. It was heartbreaking in the most amazing way. My heart grew so much that all I can now is love. I could honestly care less about having anything I had before. I’m so content with everything that I do have and it has nothing to do with materialistic things. That stuff is just a bunch of bullshit as far as I’m concerned.
So if any of you have ever wondered what you can do to help me or anyone?……cut the crap. If the only things that make you happy are things that cost money, ask yourself….Does your life have any meaning???? Have you ever done anything for anyone else that made you feel good or that caused someone else to feel love?
We all have so much power. We need to use it wisely. Always think about others. Always live through how you feel in your heart. Share your love with others! Hug as many people as you can! Most of all….believe in people. They will always surprise you
2013….I am not even sure where to begin. It was a life changing year. But I really have continued to grow as a person. I am definitely better than I have ever been.
Here are the big things:
1. January I started my own company Organamx. I honestly did it on a whim and its been great. Its been a lot of fun helping others grow their businesses. The company continues to grow and its very exciting. Considering that I didn’t even have my own website up and running for several months, I was surprised of the success.
2.I dealt with my first true heartbreak since my divorce. To be blunt, it was a total fricken nightmare. I allowed myself to fall in love and I let me guard down and didn’t run. I fought for it. As much as I wanted it to work, I couldn’t force it to happen. But the good news is that I tried to learn from it. While I am still a “runner”, I am really trying to work on my fear of getting close. I do apologize to anyone I ran from. If there was a pill to force me to deal with things like this, I would take it.
3. I had a lot of great times with my children. My son is getting to the age where he’s embarrassed to show affection and he’s too cool for his mom. But I am noticing his sarcasm and his understanding of life in general. His most recent comment, that really touch my heart, was during a conversation we were having about kids dating in school. I told him that if he chose to have a girlfriend, it would be ok with me. (just as long as she wasn’t crazy, which I told him in much more delicate words). He then told me this and single parents can relate to how much this meant to me.
“Mom, its ok if you have a boyfriend”
I was so overwhelmed with emotion when he told me that. I was concerned that he might be worried about me. I have been so overprotective of my children when it came to dating. While I am still protective, it was nice hearing that he would be ok with something life that.
I have been really trying to work on Izzie’s love of the “Beibs”. I feel it’s a lost cause. I know I somehow failed as a parent here.
I did get to bring my kids on a lot of firsts. Their first Wild, Twin and Vikings games this year. It was awesome!
4. I finished my book. I have not decided whether or not to publish it.
5. I spoke at the largest event in my career. It went ok and I am hoping to do it again but I was very nervous about it. I think I can handle it perfectly if I do it again. I was extremely thankful for the opportunity. I do have to admit, I didn’t sleep at all the night before. I was that nervous about it.
6. I realized that certain things/people in my life were ok to let go of.
Honestly, my life is better than its ever been. I am super happy and I am trying to take more time for myself. I am really trying to NOT make plans. I really want to enjoy life and have more fun. I will end 2013 with a bang and I look forward to whatever comes my way in 2014! The only goal I have in 2014 is to write more!
2013 in photos:
I have written quite a bit about this on this blog. As most of my posts portrayed, I did some pretty deep soul-searching over the last couple of years. But this is the honest truth and this is the whole story.
When I met my husband, it was exciting. He was a complete wild child but seemed to have some balance with his life and his work. It seemed to be the perfect mix good/bad boy.
But a few months after we started dating, I found out I was pregnant with our first child. What’s funny is that I got pregnant one of the first times we ever had sex. Our life went from simply having fun to being the complete opposite. A few months later we had moved into a new home and seemed to have a completely domesticated life.
With both of us coming from divorced parents, we didn’t want to rush into marriage. We truly wanted to give our children a good home life and didn’t feel rushing into marriage because of pregnancy was the best idea. We took the time to really figure out if we were meant to be.
After having our son, I started to notice that we had some pretty serious issues. But honestly I really wasn’t good at communicating my feelings. I kind of expected him to know. I never said a thing until the occasional big blow up and of course the 5 or 6 fights we ever got into were pretty epic.
We decided to finally get married back in 2006. Even then, deep down I was scared to death about this. The process of getting towards the wedding day caused a ton of stress and anxiety with me. There were so many signs that should have caused me to walk away. One of which was the day we had dinner with the judge that was officiating our wedding. I kept feeling nauseated and ended up fainting twice. The same thing also occurred right before i walked down the aisle. When I walked down the aisle, I looked around and saw all of my family and friends. My eyes were watering. I think people thought I was being emotional but I literally felt like I was going to faint again.
My wedding day was the most telling about our future, My ex husband was drunk before we even walked down the aisle and after the ceremony, I hardly saw him. Once during dinner, during our first dance and maybe a couple of times after. When we went to the hotel, it took some convincing to get him to not want to go in a friends hotel room to party. I felt like everything was a big show.
Nonetheless, I truly did love him. I loved him to death. I chose to give up everything I thought I ever wanted for him. When I say “I chose”, it’s the truth. I knew he wanted a certain type of woman and I knew I would lose him if I wasnt that woman. For the longest time i blamed him for this. It took a long time for me to realize that this was my fault. Instead of communicating my wants, needs or desires, I conformed to what I thought I should be.
All of this caused my to completely lose track of who I really was. I felt completely alienated from who I was, from my family and friends. At one point I was starting to completely shut everyone out. I felt like a zombie. But we always played the perfectly happy married couple. Nobody ever knew we had problems.
Finally one day, I decided it was time to get back to being myself. I starting working hard again and trying to rebuild my career. This was a difficult thing and my ex-husband could see that I was changing. It caused a ton of insecurity on his part. This ultimately led to our biggest argument. My ex-husband took this opportunity to explode and share every issue he had with me. All while be in front of our closest 40 friends while camping. He shared every deep secret that I had or my family had. I was completely humiliated.
The next day I left. I got a hotel room and as far as I was concerned, it was over. I could tell by the look on his face that this was the first time he ever took me seriously. He knew how wrong it was. He came to my hotel that afternoon and we managed to work it out. However things were still very shaky.
Our moment of reconciliation was short-lived. Things didn’t get better. I knew divorce was coming. It took me several weeks to work up the courage to have the “talk” with him. Then, we got the word that his sister, who had only been married for a few months, was getting a divorce. I couldn’t handle adding more stress onto his family, so I waited. The next few months went by and I just got more and more angry because I felt stuck. All it took was one small argument to send me over the edge. I asked for a divorce at a moment that was completely unplanned. He was pretty shocked even though we had this conversation 6 months prior.
I started seeing a counselor right away. Even though I had thought this over for quite some time, I was devastated that my marriage was over. I was filled with worry about how my life would now be. A couple of months into our separation, after lots of counseling, I decided to talk to him and try to see if we could work it out. I felt like I was in a better place and capable of communicating better. But the bad news was….he had fallen out of love with me a while ago.
So this is the short story of how we ended up as we did. What I can tell you that the failure of my marriage was more my fault than his. Yes of course we both had our issues but I sucked at communication. Its definitely something I am great at now. I have accepted my failure and I have and continue to learn a lot.
A lot of people would assume that they know a lot about me. I do a lot of fairly personal writing. But the truth is, I’m very private.
Several months ago I completed writing a book detailing some highly personal things I have gone through in my life. I have been very conflicted over whether or not to publish it.
I decided to detail some things in my book on my blog and see if I can handle it.
So over the next month or so I’ll be sharing a lot more. I look forward to the support and maybe even some criticism.